Jokes :)

Naw, It was something a friend was doing. I was like, "Hey, that's awesome!"

Okay. Yep, it is! :D

Hi Sam! *laughs at your username and profile pic* xD

Powerpuff Girls was and is one of the best cartoons ever.

And it's made me rethink my stance on bronies.

Curse you logic. Making me better every day.

:D

Hi Sam! *laughs at your username and profile pic* xD

Powerpuff Girls was and is one of the best cartoons ever. And it's made me rethink my stance on bronies. Curse you logic. Making me better every day.

Bronies?!

unalive them all!

cast them into the lake of water!

Burn them with tacos!

smite them with banananas!

^has no idea what that is^

Ummmmm, okay. Whatever you say. xP

^*has no idea what that is*^ Ummmmm, okay. Whatever you say. xP

License plate I saw at the doctor's today: BRKALEG

SERIOUSLY?!?

Knock Knock

I'm Deadpool.

Good answer!

Hi Sam! *laughs at your username and profile pic* xD

Powerpuff Girls was and is one of the best cartoons ever. And it's made me rethink my stance on bronies. Curse you logic. Making me better every day.

Really Sam really!?
Goes to post on prayer requests…

"You can tell a happy biker by the number of bugs stuck in his teeth."
~ My dad after a long bike ride

Brave, Tangled, and Frozen - will the next one be Dead?
~ Something I heard somewhere

"I once knew a guy with a wooden leg named Smith."
"What's the name of his other leg?"

Yeah, I just watched Mary Poppins. xD

"I once knew a guy with a wooden leg named Smith." "What's the name of his other leg?" Yeah, I just watched Mary Poppins. xD

Haha! So did I!

"I once knew a guy with a wooden leg named Smith." "What's the name of his other leg?" Yeah, I just watched Mary Poppins. xD

Great example of a misplaced modifier. :P That's funny!

"I once knew a guy with a wooden leg named Smith." "What's the name of his other leg?" Yeah, I just watched Mary Poppins. xD

Great example of a misplaced modifier. :P That's funny!

I've never watched Marry Poppins (xP), but that's great! xD

A man walked into an antique store. It was filled with beautiful furniture, fine old paintings, and housewares of sliver and crystal. Nothing caught his eye. As he turned to leave, however, he noticed the owner’s cat licking mile out of a delicate china saucer. The man knew at a glance that the saucer was priceless, and he figured that the owner didn’t realize what a treasure was sitting just beneath his nose. The man casually struck up a conversation with the owner.
“Nice cat you got there.”
“Thanks,” said the owner. ”He’s a good cat, but I never seem to have enough time for him.”
“Hmm, would you be interested in selling him?” asked the man.
“Sure, if you’re serious,” said the owner. “You can have him for five bucks.”
“Deal.” The man paid his five dollars, then picked up the cat and headed toward the door. “Oh, by the way,” said the man, turning around. “You probably wouldn’t mind if I just took that old milk saucer would you? The cat seems to like it.”
“Are you kidding?” grinned the man. “That saucer has helped me sell seventy cats in the last month!”

A cowboy bought a new horse. The salesman told him that the horse’s former owner had been a preacher and the horse only responded to special commands. “For instance, instead of saying Giddy-up, you say Praise the Lord. And instead of telling him Whoa, you say Hallelujah. Got that?”

“Praise the Lord and Hallelujah,” nodded the cowboy.

Weeks later, the cowboy was riding through unfamiliar territory. Gorges and cliffs fell hundreds of feet on either side of the trail. The cowboy wanted to stop and take a rest, but he confused the two words the salesman had taught him.

“Praise the Lord,” the cowboy said, but the horse kept on galloping faster and faster. The cowboy saw that the trail up ahead ended in a dangerous cliff. He tugged and pulled at the reins even harder and yelled, “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” but the horse continued to race toward the cliff. All at once, the cowboy remembered the right word.

“Hallelujah!” he cried. The horse immediately stopped, mere inches from the crumbling edge of the cliff. The cowboy breathed a sigh of relief and pulled off his hat, wiping the dust from his eyes.

“Praise the Lord.”

To the first one: Lol, I've heard that one before. =D

To the second: LOLOL Poor cowboy :P xD

_Brave_, _Tangled_, and _Frozen_ - will the next one be _Dead_? ~ Something I heard somewhere

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!! That one is so good.

What did the great fish tell all his fish friends after his encounter with Jonah?

Probably nothing, as most fish are not capable of intelligent communication. I do wonder, however, how this fish is capable of having friends. Were fish more intelligent in Jonah's time?

"Devolving", as Ken Ham would term it, has happened to fish since Jonah's day.
In fact, Morse code originated from fish communicating by blowing sequences of different sized bubbles. This was discovered by the very same mariners mentioned in Jonah. They went snorkeling after the sea calmed to see if they could gather some of the very same weeds that had wrapped around Jonah's head, so that after Jonah was really famous they could sell them on E-bay for a minor prophet. While doing this they made some very important discoveries for the Tarshish Aquatic School of Science. On the third day of snorkeling they spotted none other than the big fish morse-coding to his friends (in bubbles) "That guy made me sick."

Sorry. I got a little carried away. It started out much shorter.

"Devolving", as Ken Ham would term it, has happened to fish since Jonah's day. In fact, Morse code originated from fish communicating by blowing sequences of different sized bubbles. This was discovered by the very same mariners mentioned in Jonah. They went snorkeling after the sea calmed to see if they could gather some of the very same weeds that had wrapped around Jonah's head, so that after Jonah was really famous they could sell them on E-bay for a minor prophet. While doing this they made some very important discoveries for the Tarshish Aquatic School of Science. On the third day of snorkeling they spotted none other than the big fish morse-coding to his friends (in bubbles) "That guy made me sick." Sorry. I got a little carried away. It started out much shorter.

LOL. :) The "minor prophet" line is my favorite. :)

A woman comes home from shopping one day and has this conversation with her husband.
Woman: What did you do while I was gone?
Man: I killed five flies. Two of them were male, and three were female.
Woman: How could you tell whether the flies were male or female?
Man: That's easy. Two were on my beer can, and the other three were on the telephone!

That's great. :)

Why did the chicken cross the road? :-)

That joke drives me nuts. :P I don't even get it…never have. Dose anyone have a way of explaining it so I will think it's funny?

This is the southern version. :-)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
+To prove to the raccoon and the possum that it could be done.+ :-)

Oh, I love that one!!! (We usually put "armadillo" in as the road kill.)

@ Sarah: I think the original version of the joke is supposed to be funny because you don't expect it. Now, it's been told so many times that it isn't funny anymore. :)

That joke drives me nuts. :P I don't even get it...never have. Dose anyone have a way of explaining it so I will think it's funny?

It's funny because it's such an easy answer. Anyone who doesn't know the answer might wrack their brain trying to come up with something clever, when the answer is exceedingly simple. :P

This is the southern version. :-) Why did the chicken cross the road? +To prove to the raccoon and the possum that it could be done.+ :-)

Hehe, that's great xD

This is the southern version. :-) Why did the chicken cross the road? +To prove to the raccoon and the possum that it could be done.+ :-)

Hehe, that's great xD

Yeah! Better than anything else I've heard from that "joke"! :D

@Evie and Nick - Thanks for trying to explain it! But I still think it's lame…. :P

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism. :P

That's a good one! XD

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

Lol!

That. was. hilarious. xD

What is red and bad for your teeth? ^this could be also put under riddles, but it's more of a joke anyway. :D^

Once upon a time a little boy went to a daycare, but he hated it so much that he climbed out a window of the building to get away from it. When he finally stepped onto the sidewalk, he shouted, "I'm free!!" Then a little girl walked up to him, and said, "So what? I'm four."

What is red and bad for your teeth? ^this could be also put under riddles, but it's more of a joke anyway. :D^

a brick. duh :p I think I've heard this a million times

That. was. hilarious. xD

Worst joke ever. Discriminative against midgets.

#AverageYouTubeCommenter

What is red and bad for your teeth? ^this could be also put under riddles, but it's more of a joke anyway. :D^

a brick. duh :p I think I've heard this a million times

Haha, ok. :D

Any kind of red candy could work too. xP

What is red and bad for your teeth? ^this could be also put under riddles, but it's more of a joke anyway. :D^

Ha ha! I like it!

@VoR - I was just about actually laughing out loud… just about. ;)

Any kind of red candy could work too. xP

Or a fist after just having come into contact with your face. The possibilities could go on and on.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

What is red and bad for your teeth? ^this could be also put under riddles, but it's more of a joke anyway. :D^

A stick of dynamite! Duh!

What is red and bad for your teeth? ^this could be also put under riddles, but it's more of a joke anyway. :D^

A stick of dynamite! Duh!

Haha!! :D My brother said when I told him the joke "what is green and bad for your teeth" My answer was "Hulk's fist". :D ^and that was what he was thinking of too. :D^