Jokes :)

LOLLOLLOL!!!! Those two jokes are hilarious!!!

LOL!

Those are so awesome! I read them both to my brother and we were both literally LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks. I must admit I stole them all…

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five year old Johnny stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by!" his family told him.

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the ONE Sunday I don't go, he shows up!"

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America… do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

That works! I've "stolen" most of mine, too. :) By the way, to explain the Tim Tebow joke, Christian Ponder is the Vikings quarterback.

LOLLOLLOL! :D

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE the dog and cat diaries!!! LOL!!!

DITTO

laughs out loud Those are sooo funny!

Grandma: Oh, what happened to you?
Grandson: I fell down and scraped my knee.
Grandma: Oh, you poor thing! Here - let me kiss it. kisses his knee
Grandson: Wow! Now it'll get better twice as fast! Rover just kissed it too.

An old farmer went to the city to a church conference. When he gt home, his wife asked, "How was it?"

He replied, "Well, the preaching was good, but the music wasn't exactly our style- they sang a lot of choruses."

His wife says, "What are choruses?"

The farmer thinks a moment, then says, "Well, it's like this. If I said to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn', that would be a hymn. But if I said it like this,

'Martha, Martha, Martha.
O, Martha, Martha, Martha.
The cows, the cows, the cows,
The red cows, the brown cows, the black cows,
The black-and-white cows,
Are in the corn, are in the corn,
In the gold and green corn,
O Martha, Martha, Martha.'

That would be a chorus."

On the way home from church one day, a little boy asked his mother, "Who is Andy?"
"Well, what do you mean?" she answered him.
The little boy replied, "We sang that song in church today, and it said, 'Andy walks with me Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."

Lol.

LOL! That is SO awesome. And realistic… did you see the one I posted about writing worship songs?
(Guy 1: What do you do for a living?
Guy 2: I write worship songs. I write worship songs. I write worship songs. I write worship songs. I write worship songs. I write worship songs. I write worship songs. I write worship songs….)

That is so great! Sadly it is true :(
@Bethany: I did!

Love it! :D Of course… it's kinda not funny because it's true, but… :-/

Lol!

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor, when my husband walked out during your sermon," an embarrassed woman said after a church service.
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Lol! :P

Lol.

LOL!!!

Lol!

Lol

Lol. :)

Oh, I LOVE this one! My dad showed it to me before. :) :) :) :) :)

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7890807296/h10D0A49D/

chuckles

I’m terrible at telling jokes!!!!!!! I’m always afraid someone is going to start crying or something.

LOL!

That's mean! Also funny, though. :)

Dose anyone get a laugh out of these? I used to be a MK so a friend sent me this list. (I added some of my own comments at the end…then i edited them out. :))
You can know you’re an MK when:

1. “Where are you from?” has more then one reasonable answer.
2. You think that barrels make good end tables and night stands.
3. 011 is a familiar area code.
4. The fast majority of your clothes are hand-me-downs.
5. People send you used tea bags in the mail.
6. You speak two languages, but can’t spell either.
7. You flew before you could walk.
8. The U.S. is a foreign country.
9. You have a passport, but no driver’s license.
10. You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone.
11. You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
12. You don’t know how to play Pac-Man.
13. You consider a city 500 miles away to be “very close.”
14. Your life story uses the phrase “Then we went to…” five times.
15. You prefer a Land Rover to a Lexus.
16. You can cut grass with a machete, but can’t start a lawnmower.
17. You have a strong opinion about how to cook bugs.
18. Strangers can say they can remember you when you were “this tall.”
19. You do your devotions in another language.
20. You sort your friends by continent.
21. You’d rather never say hello then have to say good-bye.
22. Your parents decline your uncle’s offer to let them use his BMW, and shoehorn all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
23. You stockpile mangoes.
24. You know what real coffee tastes like.
25. The majority of your friends never spoke English.
26. You like everything from Reggae to Japanese Rap music.
27. You know there is no such a thing as and international language.
28. You tell Americans that democracy isn’t the only viable form of government.
29. You realize it’s a small world after all.
30. Climates that get below about 75 F are against your body’s religion.
31. The thought of encountering snakes, scorpions, wild animals, witch doctors or armed rebel insurgents on an afternoon walk evokes responses like, “Yes…” or “So…?” whereas the idea of merely driving through, let alone living in, an American city terrifies you.
32. Someone asks you where you most enjoy just hanging out and you immediately think of happy hours you spent in international airports. (Not true AT ALL!)
33. You go to a church you’ve never seen before and find a picture of you on their bulletin board. (I remember that. Hilarious!)
34. You look at the Rockies and think, “Nice hills.”
35. You quote Reepicheep: Adventures are never fun while your having them.
36. You never take anything for granted.
37. You automatically take off your shoes as soon as you get home.
38. You consider a three-year-old piece of clothing to be “practically new.”
39. There are times when only your family knows what your saying.
40. You can’t eat your Aunt’s rice because it just doesn’t stick together.
41. Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
42. Rain on a tile patio – or a corrugated metal roof – is one of the most wonderful sounds in the world.
43. All preaching sounds better on hard wooden benches.
44. Fitting 15 or more people in a car seems normal to you.
45. You refer to gravel roads as highways.
46. You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
47. You get upset when people don’t finish their food, and feel worse when they scrape it into the trash.
48. You don’t think two hours is a long sermon.
49. Your wardrobe can only handle two seasons: wet and dry.
50. You think nothing of straddling white lines to bass between trucks or buses driveling side by side, because “There was plenty of room, officer. Honest! At least six inches clearance.”
51. you don’t do well in job interviews because you where taught to be modest.
52. Someone in your passport country has to explain to you that the double yellow line means only oncoming traffic can drive on that side of the road, even when their isn’t any oncoming traffic… and you don’t understand why.
53. Later the same day, the same poor friend has to go to great lengths to explain to you why you can not just hand the police man fifty cents and drive away when he stops you, and why you are now being driven downtown in the back of said officer’s car over a mere fifty cents; at which point your passport country ceases to make any sense to you at all.
54. Your high school memories include those days that school was canceled doe to tear gas.
55. You are accused by your friends of being a maniacal driver, when you’re just driving like your dad taught you to.
56. You marvel at the cleanliness of a gas station bathroom.
57. You have a name in at least two different language and it’s not the same one.
58. Riots make you homesick.
59. You think a VISA is a document stamped in your passport, and not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
60. You have seen the North Star and the Southern Cross in your lifetime.
61. You feel like you need to move after you’ve lived in the same place for two months.
62. You feel a polka-dotted passport would be appropriate.

Lol :)

Church Job Descriptions

PASTOR

• Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
• More powerful than a locomotive.
• Faster than a speeding bullet.
• Walks on water.
• Makes policy with God.

MINISTER OF MUSIC

• Able to leap short buildings in a single bound.
• As powerful as a switch engine.
• Just as fast as a speeding bullet.
• Walks on water when the sea is calm.
• Talks with God.

DEACON

• Able to leap small buildings with a running start.
• Almost as powerful as a switch engine.
• Faster than a speeding BB.
• Walks on water if he knows where the rocks are.
• Is occasionally addressed by God.

MINISTER OF YOUTH

• Runs into small buildings.
• Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times.
• Uses a squirt gun.
• Knows how to use the water fountain.
• Mumbles to himself.

CHURCH SECRETARY

• Lifts buildings to walk under them.
• Kicks locomotives off the track.
• Catches speeding bullets in her teeth.
• Freezes water with a single glance.
• When God speaks she says, “May I ask who’s calling?”

Lol

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

LOL!!

@Sarah B. and Margaret: Those are hilarious!!

Siri said that! :)

Did she? Now you know who she heard it from.

Chap #1: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Chap #2: What's the name of his other leg?

Online Response: LOL!!!!! :P

Lol!

One little known story about Paul when he was on his way to be tried at Rome: It was a balmy day at sea, and the sky was blue, so Paul decided to go up into the rigging. He climbed up to the very top and was gazing at the far horizon, when suddenly his foot slipped! The rope he was hanging on to snapped under his weight, and Paul plummeted to the deck far below, ending his journey with an ominous crack as his head hit the boards of the boat. The centurion who was in charge of the prisoners and the captain both ran over, fearing the worst, but to their astonishment Paul jumped up as though nothing had happened! "A miracle!" the captain exclaimed. "Such a fall is certain death!"
"Oh that?" replied Paul with amusement. "I'm used to hardships."

chuckles

I told a guy at our church we were going to IHOP for lunch one Sunday. He said, "Hey, isn't that the place with the one-legged waitresses?"

Oh, yeah, and did any of you hear about the Kirk Cameron and the Sharpie incident?

Um.. no.

@Sarah E. laughing that's pretty good :P

haha!

Umm, maybe :P lol

Uh-oh. ;)

His daughter drew on his face with a crayon while he was napping. Well, his son started to do the same thing. He was actually awake, but kept his eyes closed so his son would think he was sleeping. Um… but… it wasn't a crayon. His son was using a Sharpie - and Mr. Cameron found out AFTER the kid was done scribbling! :P :D