Dating vs Courtship.

I've gotta leave now, peoples, so I will continue this later. =)

I suppose so, in a way. :) I guess then that I was talking more about the more extreme form of betrothal (like from the True Love Doesn't Wait blog, if you've seen it).

"We live in a primitive time, don't we? Neither savage nor wise."
~Hannibal Lecter
Have I! Those are the most manipulative legalists I have ever read. It's scary.

Okay, just, wow. http://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/09/courtship-pickup-lines/

Yeah. Just wow. :)
Honestly what caught my attention the most was the hairstyles on those guys. :P

Haha! Those are the best. XD How about other Christian pick-up lines: Is your name faith? Because you're the substance of things hoped for. ;) Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives. Because he never met you. So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and I realized... I don't have yours! I didnt believe in predestination until tonight. :)

Seriously laughs out loud Love the first one. :)

Or Calvinist pickup lines: Is your name Grace? Because you're irresistible... We're predestined. God sovereignly rearranged the alphabet and put U and I together. I hope you believe in the Perseverance of the Saints, because I plan to persevere in this relationship to the very end. *Caution: Possible response: I'm going to use my free will to slap you in the face and tell you to leave.*

XD So calvavanist. :)

Going back to the Israel Wayne explanation of betrothal, it has a similar difficulty to 'courtship' in that it doesn't afford opportunities for the guy and girl to get to know each other on much of a personal level at all. Not that it can't happen, I've been able to have some good conversations at church events, but it definitely has stricter limits.

^Plus I want my wife to be surprised when I ask her to marry me. :)^

I suppose so, in a way. :) I guess then that I was talking more about the more extreme form of betrothal (like from the True Love Doesn't Wait blog, if you've seen it).

TLDW should stand for "True Love Disses Wisdom". 'Cause that's what they've devoted themselves to!

For example, I feel most free to interact with girls at the weekly Bible study I go to on Wednesday nights. I go by myself. And I don't flirt, but I am so much more free to talk with and get to know the young women there than I am whenever I'm with my family or with my parents. I can't explain why, but that's just the way it is. So I love the idea of just having the opportunity to get to know girls without the pressure that it must be a relationship that's heading toward marriage. There are a very select few girls that I know very well whom I would consider very good friends, and in each case, the relationship started out through private conversations without the consent of my parents. I see a pattern... =P

YES! I feel the exact same way!!! Thanks for summarizing that so well. xD

I enjoyed reading y'all's thoughts on this subject today. =) I will have to send those links to my dad!

I agree that courtship as usually practiced in today's Christian culture definitely has its flaws. Not to mention, there are times when it's simply inconvenient (as when the man and woman are on two different sides of the country!) The definition of betrothal by Israel Wayne given above is the ideal for me. I definitely agree with you guys that close godly friendships between (can I say the word "singles" here?) are certainly appropriate and even needful if you're going to make a commitment to marriage with no "intermediate" courtship stage. Even if you're not planning to marry a certain person, there is still no real reason not to become "emotionally committed" to a point — as a friend, NOT as a lover! Sometimes I get real annoyed when those two are confused with each other. ;P I've become "emotionally committed" in this sense to several of my sisters in Christ and am getting to know them better as time goes on. As long as I have used discretion, I have never struggled with defrauding attachments/feelings/actions. There's no specific purpose of marriage in these close friendships - only of Godly fellowship, which the Lord never forbids even to those of the opposite gender! =)

For example, I feel most free to interact with girls at the weekly Bible study I go to on Wednesday nights. I go by myself. And I don't flirt, but I am so much more free to talk with and get to know the young women there than I am whenever I'm with my family or with my parents. I can't explain why, but that's just the way it is. So I love the idea of just having the opportunity to get to know girls without the pressure that it must be a relationship that's heading toward marriage. There are a very select few girls that I know very well whom I would consider very good friends, and in each case, the relationship started out through private conversations without the consent of my parents. I see a pattern... =P

YES! I feel the exact same way!!! Thanks for summarizing that so well. xD

Same here. :)

Okay. So, "dating" and "courtship" are just words people use to describe something… but neither of them seems to be very well defined and that makes it very confusing.
Is it impossible to stay pure and date someone? Of course, "staying pure" may be easier to do when other people are around and watching… but I think that if the couple truly has a desire to stay pure they can use their own discernment. The human heart is wicked, true… but it's no different in a courtship.

^(Maybe I didn't say that all well… it's just my thoughts lately.)^

Why isn't it possible to stay pure and date? Haven't a lot of solid Christians found their mate by dating?

Personally, I find lots of definitions unnecessarily confusing as well. Which is why, even though I'll be "courting" my person of interest, I'll still take her out on "dates".

Really. Let's just all do things with discernment and not be like "I do dating," and "I'm pure so I do courtship," etc. (Or, in the case of TLDW, "We believe in betrothal because courtship is [insert every negative concept in the dictionary here].")

@Nathan, and @Sam, I think the structure of her sentences indicates that Sarah did not mean 'impossible' as written, but 'possible'. If so, this would change what we perceive to be her attitude towards this subject.
If this isn't true however, then I am a foolish meddler and I know it.

@Nathan, and @Sam, I think the structure of her sentences indicates that Sarah did not mean 'impossible' as written, but 'possible'. If so, this would change what we perceive to be her attitude towards this subject. If this isn't true however, then I am a foolish meddler and I know it.

She'd still be asking basically the same question…

I love this girl's channel, and I thought this video hit the nail on the head. ;)

I love this girl's channel, and I thought this video hit the nail on the head. ;) https://youtu.be/pwA6_XyvLFU

Wow, that is… perfect.

The differences between Dating and Courtship are quite simple and obvious.

Courtship:

1. A ship that is employed by the court.
2. A ship the carries around the court. (i.e. When the viking kings would go to battle the king and his court would all be in one ship so that they could confer more convienently. More often, however, this is called the "Kingship".)
3. Ships used by individual court members to attend court when the actual court consisted entirely of water. This particular kind of court was mostly limited to the Renessaince era in Venice and similar parts of Italy. Its general impracticality, and the ease of "accidentally" dispensing of opposing members of the court by toppling them out of their boat overrode the aesthetic appeal as soon as reason once more reigned in Europe.

Dating:

1. The process of making historical dates. This is most commonly employed by historians and archealogists, but is very easy to do by anyone. Just find something (in the ground or otherwise) and make up a time period for it. Using as many zeros as possible is encouraged.
2. The process of making a certain foodlike substance called dates. Drying them may be necessary at some point in the process. We are not completely sure what they were before becoming dates. It is commonly believed that dates were figs, or some other kind of fruit, before becoming distorted and altered in taste, texture, and appearance. The personal theory of the author is that they were at one time the heads of very large caterpillars.

Oh my goodness! This is awesome! xD

That's great, Margaret!

Oh my goodness! This is awesome! xD

This has been Margaret Eddy: bringing clarity where there was confusion.

3. Ships used by individual court members to attend court when the actual court consisted entirely of water. This particular kind of court was mostly limited to the Renessaince era in Venice and similar parts of Italy. Its general impracticality, and the ease of "accidentally" dispensing of opposing members of the court by toppling them out of their boat overrode the aesthetic appeal as soon as reason once more reigned in Europe.

This is so great. xP

My, my. Leave it to Margaret's wit to brighten my day/night.

My, my. Leave it to Margaret's wit to brighten my day/night.

Here's an excellent sermon I heard on marriage: http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/hope-family

I don't agree with everything he says, but I think most of his points are very good and very important. It really transformed my view of marriage.

Do you people have any thoughts about online dating? Is it something you would do, or not even consider? Why, or why not?

I'll just be honest - yes, I am looking into online dating. No, I don't think I will do it right now. Why? Because I have a lot of things to do as a single person, before I am ready to get married… but there's a possibility that I will go that route someday (when all else fails). ;)

Too much deception and danger in that arena. Of course I have no experience there, and probably won't, but that's just my opinion.

Hmm… but don't you think there's just as much of that danger in person now a days? Pretty much you can have a bad experience with just about any form of finding a mate.

Hmm... but don't you think there's just as much of that danger in person now a days? Pretty much you can have a bad experience with just about any form of finding a mate.

I am not an expert in this field either, but you have a better chance of getting 'ripped off'- normally, if you're going to date/court someone (in my opinion) you should have known them for a while, or at least known them well for whatever period of time you have known them. (hope that sentence made sense!) There are certain dangers you have to take into consideration- one's that I probably shouldn't get into on here… also, how do you know that their morals align with yours? They might say that they are a Christian, but really don't believe the majority of the key theologies of Christianity. Also they could say that they are someone, but they're really an overweight man in TX- ok, so that was kind of cliche'd, but oh well. Here's some articles about online dating dangers- http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3285863 ,

http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/Beware-of-the-Dangers-of-Online-Dating–281850771.html ,

http://www.themorningsun.com/general-news/20150222/raising-awareness-of-online-dating-dangers ,

http://www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/568905/Internet-dating-dangers-woman-murdered-lover ,

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2015/05/26/online-dating-is-more-normal-than-ever-but-it-also-comes-with-new-risks/

Obviously, these are extreme cases, but it's definitely a solid possibility. I hope this helps to answer your question. Please don't feel like I'm trying to scare you out of your idea, I just believe that there are various dangers, and it is much better to date/court someone that you know personally- not over the internet.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! :)
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I know there are dangerous situations you can get into with online dating, but you could get into dangerous situations in real life relationships too. I don't know, but I think the main thing is to be smart about the way you date. For example I would never meet up with a person who I met online (dating website or otherwise) in person alone. I think we can both agree that's not smart.
The main reason I am not convinced that online dating is so dangerous is because I know 5 couples in person who had wonderful experiences with it… where as I have yet to meet someone who has had a bad experience. I know there are bad experiences (like the examples in the articles), but there's always a little bit of risk to life no matter how you go about it.
We live in a technological world, and now a days people meet online (like us;)) who wouldn't have an opportunity to meet in person. I suppose you could say that if they wouldn't meet naturally in person then it's not God's will for them to meet…. but would you say that about medical intervention to save a persons life? I know that's a very extreme example, but do you see what I mean?

Yah, I see what you mean. I personally believe that if God wants you to find someone, he'll put them in your path one way or another. Many people meet at college, work, or a social event. I just think that it is very possible to get into a dangerous situation through the online way- I definitely understand what you are saying though.
Also, a lot of people on those sites are 'desperate' to find someone, so they might end up in an unhealthy relationship, later leading to divorce…

I think I have to agree with Sarah here. Online dating warrants caution, but it's not like real life dating, or courtship, or betrothal, or whatever you want, does not involve any of that. We need the Lord's discretion in finding a life partner no matter what method we use. With the advances of this day and age, and with likeminded believers so hard to find, online dating is a good resource for those who are looking deliberately.
Also, I consider it very possible to get to know someone well without even having met them; although in my case, I'm much more likely to develop a close relationship with someone I've met in person at least once. So online dating may not work for everybody. But it's definitely worth looking into.

Hmm... but don't you think there's just as much of that danger in person now a days? Pretty much you can have a bad experience with just about any form of finding a mate.

True, but you get to know a person better when you see them in person first. Online it's so easy to be fake. I'm not saying something good could never come from it, but there's a whole lot more risk for stuff I shouldn't post here. For the same reason I prefer courting to dating I would be against online dating because, well, rather than going into all of the benefits of courting, just by reading through this thread we can see it. And all of this is nullified by online dating.

Well this looks like an interesting convo…

@Zachary - I do understand what you're saying about it being best to get to know the person in person first. But suppose I was very careful not to get 'attached' to they guy before meeting him in person? It would be like putting my name in the newspaper (thinking of Sarah Plain and Tall)… and not too unlike Memverse in that (although we are looking for spouses) we have the opportunity to become acquainted and then later we can meet in person, but if it wasn't for Memverse you'd never have heard my name.

Feel free to add to our conversation! The more diverse the opinions and thoughts the more we have to talk about. ;)

Yes, many people meet at college, and social events - but some don't even have that opportunity. I go to a Bible study, and church. I'm familiar freindly with just about every guy I've come across so far… but none have taken interest, and there aren't many that suit me. It could be a very long time before any possibility comes to my small area of Ohio. Then again - maybe there is someone who just hasn't said anything yet. In that case (if it's God’s will) an account online definitely won't stand in his way.
I think you're probably right that there are plenty of people who are desperate to find someone, because maybe that's why they are there - they need a wife/husband and there's no one in their area. I think we've seen that ANY marriage, no matter how it came about can end in divorce.

@Zach - I do understand what you're saying about it being best to get to know the person in person first. But suppose I was very careful not to get 'attached' to they guy before meeting him in person? It would be like putting my name in the newspaper (thinking of Sarah Plain and Tall)... and not too unlike Memverse in that (although we are looking for spouses) we have the opportunity to become acquainted and then later we can meet in person, but if it wasn't for Memverse you'd never have heard my name.

Like I said, I have no experience in the area, but many of the people I have talked to regarding the topic of courting/dating have said that it gets really hard not to get attached to someone in that subject. And like you said Memverse is different in that the purpose is not to find spouses (although that would be interesting if something like that ever happened). And the memverse forum is an open place for everyone to discuss openly, whereas to my assumption, dating sites are all about private messaging. And then again, what if marriage is not God's plan for you? I'm not saying it is, but if God intends it to be, then He will bring it about in His time.

Have any of the people who you have talked to about online dating (who say it's not smart) tried it before? Like I said, I have seen with my own eyes that online dating can be God’s way of bringing together a beautiful family.
It would be my number one dream to marry a Memverser, because I love this community and think it could be the making of a lovely love story… but recently I have been seeing that my dreams will have to die in order for me to be open to God's will. It was this open mind set that lead to this conversation now.
Well, I think there is a smart way to go about dating - online, or in person - and that's with prayer, wisdom. Wisdom from parents, and leaders in our lives. I have an idea of how an online dating relationship could go that wouldn't be much more dangerous than Memverse.

Edit - (Carissa and Seth W didn't end up being serial killers as I feared… just sayin') jk

I think the reason many of us look down on online dating is the same reason we generally look down on all dating–most people do it foolishly. But I'm sure Christian dating websites set good restrictions and have good counselling. I assume you'd be taking the approach of old school dating–just getting to know people.

That said, I still don't recommend it. Until I saw your post, I always considered it stupid without giving it a second thought. Now I have given it second thoughts, and I have reason to discourage it and direct you to alternative ways of meeting new young singles.

Instead of going to a dating website, why not just find an online Christian community? Like Memverse? Because that way, you're not specifically looking for a future spouse. When you feel pressure to find your future spouse in a specific place… that could be bad. I don't like the idea of an environment where your goal is to find a future spouse. Because then you think of every guy as someone you have to consider in that light.

Zach has a good point as well. Bad people probably target websites like that the most.
You know, if they wanna hurt someone. It's important to get to know the person's family, friends, etc. Video calls are helpful. But hey, social media allows for plenty of that.

I'm still wondering if any of you have met anyone who has tried online dating and says it's no good. So far I have only met people who have good reports of it.
You all have some really good concerns about it, and good reasons not to do it… but I still think that all kinds of dating and courtship involve some risk, and I don't see much more of a risk online than in person (if it's done smartly). I am good at doing research on people (although not as good as some) so I think it's fairly easy to figure out right off the bat if someone is no good. And on top of that if a parent was involved with the prosess (like my dad), it could be made into a situation very much like the courtship that you guys are so fond of.

@Nathan - I totally see your point about pressure on those websites… but if I'm out of hope ("luck" didn't sound like a good word to use) in real life then I'd except a little bit of pressure (and my dad would help). Besides, as long as I am a single girl with the dream of marriage Iwill always walk around with that pressure (especially when I see my friends getting married). Other online websites? Hehe… can you imagine me making an IY post on Memeverse and saying something like, "I came on Memverse to find a husband"? :P I think that if that was my purpose for socializing (which it's not) people would catch on pretty quickly… and probably run for their lives.

If you can't seem to find a husband, I'd have to think about that. But you're only 19.

gasp You dare mention my old age on a public forum?! Jkjk xD

I agree! I'm young and have a lot of life yet to live… but I do think that online dating may be something I will concider more as I get closer to 25 years old. I intend to find other things to do with my life in the meantime. :)

And then again, what if marriage is not God's plan for you?

Right. Like Paul says to the Corinthians, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Lol- I'm not saying that you can't exercise self control- but God definitely has used unmarried people in amazing ways too!

@Cory - I have often wondered if I was ment to be single, and I've presented the idea to several people over the years and the response is always the same. They shake their heads and say, "You can think that way if you want, but that's not your calling in life." I think there is truth to what they tell me… my dream in life is to be a wife and mother and I don't think God would give me such a desire without a purpose. However, right now I am to be single, because I'm not ready to get married. That's all I know right now.

Don't forget, as Nathan said, you are only 19. ;) You are not an old maid!! God has a good plan for your life…full of surprises. :D

I'm not ready to get married… point is that I am not opposed to online dating at all. :)

It looks like this thread has turned from "Dating vs Courtship" to "Online Dating vs No Online Dating". I think on the issue of online dating I'm gonna have to play the relative card (as much as I hate using it). I think it's all relative to your situation. There are cases when online dating could be a problem and there are times it could be beneficial. It all depends on your current situation.

I was talking to Martin about this subject and, although I don't agree with his veiw of online dating, he definitely has some really good thoughts that should be taken into consideration when it comes to dating/marriage. So here are his thoughts (if you care to take the time to read them):

"What's selfish about the online dating atmosphere (and most dating as well, which is a good point you bring up) is that you enter in your "specifications" for a mate, ie, your idea of what YOU want in a husband… your requirements, preferences (or at the very least that is the TREND of those sites) and then they match you up with the people that fit your idea of an ideal husband. When you sit down and think about marriage, though, the focus of it is not on us or what we want or all that.

I really believe that American Christianity, even conservatives, have eroded much of the self-sacrifice and unconditional love that should be central to marriage by introducing and Focusing far too much on the idea of 'compatibility,' which falls dangerously close to the pagan "the One" mentality, which is really just a twist of some of Plato's soul-mate ideas, which, incidentally, can be played to the advantage of homosexuals.

See, when falling in love becomes something that isn't a choice, you're opening up to potentially having an affair with a couch. I mean, you have no choice in the matter, right? Obviously, no one takes it to that conclusion, but the absurdity is revealed by that example. True love, as I said in a FB post once before, does not make us incapable of loving more than one person at the same time (ie - it's not that there's THE ONE out there and when you meet him it's all over…) but true love is the choice to just love one. It's that forsaking all others part of the vow, cleaving only to one.
There will be people you feel like you're "falling in love" with after marriage, other than your spouse. Or at least there will be people who attract you. And if your marriage is built on this idea of irresistible love, then what makes any subsequent incidents of the same feelings null? Why can't we just move on?
I'm really painting with broad strokes here and this doesn't exactly have to do with what your question is about. But I'll get there.
So you see, there has to be something much more permanent to come alongside and be a foundation for that first experience of falling in love. Realizing that it's a decision of faithfulness, forsaking all others, every day, is key. There's no doubt that there should be love and attraction within the marriage, but there's got to be so much more. And I know you believe that.

But then you also have the more conservative focus on compatibility, which plays into the idea of "the One" and gives it a spiritual twist. You want to be able to function as a team. You need to find out if you can work together, if there's that 'chemistry', if your personalities match up, and etc….

This, I have come to believe, is a dangerous focus. Granted, there is wisdom in this; as in most dangerous things, the root of it is good, but the danger comes when it grows too large in our minds.
Here's where I see the danger. It gives the impression, specifically after marriage, that if you don't work together well, if you have problems and whatnot, that you didn't find the right person, that the person you married wasn't quite as compatible as you thought, that you somehow made a mistake and now you're stuck with it the rest of your life.
I see the potential of that spirit being bred by this notion of finding that one person who is compatible to you, who just completes you and complements your personality.
It's dangerous. It breeds discontent when trials come in marriage. It opens up the door to asking What did I do wrong?Should I have waited longer? Was it God's will for me to marry this guy after all? Are we, at the end of the day, INCOMPATIBLE?
(And here's where this treatise :P gets more to the point. Dating sites are all about finding you that COMPATIBLE mate, the one who is made just for you, who meets your requirements and preferences, and comes ready-made on a silver platter. So to speak…)

This takes so much off of the true focus of marriage: self-sacrifice and unconditional love.
Yes, you're gonna marry someone because you love them desperately and it feels like there's nothing you did to make that happen. But even then there's that choice aspect - when they're spiritually dirty, physically unnattractive, acting in anger or frustration, you choose to love them anyways. When they are less than your ideals, you love them regardless. When they don't match up to those specifications you have, you love them regardless. What a dating site tends to do is help us into the mindset of: THIS (insert specs here) is the type of person I will love; THIS (insert specs here) is the type of person I will give myself to, and all those Other Types of People, I will not love, and am not willing to give myself to. But marriage is not about loving someone whom it is easy to love, someone who fits our idea of an ideal husband or wife. Marriage is about loving someone regardless of whether they're acting as that ideal spouse or not. Because to be honest, a lot of the time we have to admit that we act an awful lot like those Other Types of People ourselves, and yet we want someone who will love us regardless. We ought to go into the search for a spouse with the same attitude regarding potential spouses.

Marriage is also about sacrificing yourself for the sake of the other. We ought to go into marriage looking at what we can GIVE to the other, rather than what we are going to GET from them. Dating sites help us move into a mindset of looking at What do I WANT? rather than What can I GIVE?
You are going to be required to give of yourself constantly. It's a fact of marriage. I don't know how many peopple have told me that when you get married, you realize just how selfish you are, just how much you centered your life around yourself. And if you go into marriage thinking of all the perks, you've set yourself up for discontentment and frustration.
To be honest, I think dating sites have grown up as a result of those types of thinking and are just an expression of what are already established patterns of thought in our culture - so really it's not the dating sites themselves that I have a problem with, but the ideas that gave birth to them. I'm not going to reject a symptom without also rejecting the illness itself, and that's really what dating-sites are: symptoms of a greater problem of looking at marriage wrongly.

Now. Don't get me wrong here. Marriage is wonderful. The union of two souls, the union of two bodies, the living of life together as one, the twining of stories and the weaving of so many threads into a single cord - it's a beautiful thing that can and should be filled with joy and love. But it will only be so if we come seeking to give of ourselves to the other, regardless of how easy it is to love them at the moment. When there is an attitude of mutual giving, mutual unconditional love, that's a love that gets through problems rather than looking for ways to survive them. It's a love that overcomes the problems and draws closer together, rather than masking the problems by drifting further apart.
It's a love that reflects Christ's love for the church, ultimately. Christ didn't come looking for those whom it would be easy to love. He came and took the chiefest of sinners and made them His bride. That's unconditional love. He continues to love and wash us continually even though we continually dirty ourselves with sin. That's unconditional love. He sacrificed himself for us - and that sacrifice was not just dying on the cross and taking the punishment for our sins, but it was daily dying to Himself, daily taking up His cross and obeying God - loving us in life even unto death. That's self-sacrifice.

That's the high calling of marriage.

Now do you understand a little more why I don't think that dating sites enter that picture very well?

To answer your objections, yes I believe that God can use dating sites to make matches. Obviously he has done so because the sites seem to work and create matches. But just because something has happened does not mean that it's God's desire for it to happen. Technically, God used the American engineers who designed the atomic bombs to kill thousands of people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. What it His desire for that to happen? If we look in His Word, we find that it is not. So yes, God can use dating sites. I'm sure he has used them to create even godly and God-honoring marriages. But that doesn't mean that the underlying philosophy and mindset of the site matches up to what our attitudes and mindset should be.
Also, I think you need to draw a distinction between meeting online and meeting via online dating. The first mirrors the way that you meet people irl, to an extent, while the other mirrors the way that you go looking for a new mattress.

There's a really awesome sermon that I think you would enjoy by Paul Washer that kinda touches on this stuff. It's called Two Great Purposes of Marriage, I believe, and it's on Sermonaudio. I highly recommend it! :)"

WOW, that was long… and he has some excellent points. I am going to avoid pickin' sides in this one, but I found this post and thought it might give a little more input (plus it's by John MacArthur!!!)

This post is excerpted from MacArthur's new book, Right Thinking in a World Gone Wrong. It is taken from his chapter giving a pastoral perspective on the topic of online dating. This topic is something he is asked about more and more. I hope the post will provoke you to read the whole chapter… and book.

“Another issue regarding online dating centers on the question of accountability. When romance blossoms in the context of the church, or even work or school, it comes with a built-in level of accountability. Pastors, parents, and peers quickly become aware of the “special interest” that is forming between two people. The time they spend together includes group activities, social outings, and ministry events—circumstances in which other Christians can observe the couple and offer counsel or feedback. The couple understands that they are being watched, and that people who care about their souls also care about their growing friendship. As a result, rash decisions that might lead to either heartbreak (when a relationship is broken off) or heartache (when purity is not preserved) are weighed against the consequences that a sense of corporate accountability provides.

But online dating is essentially accountability-free. Time on a computer is almost always spent in isolation, making it impossible for pastors, parents, or peers to watch the relationship develop. A sense of anonymity gives the heart a greater sense of freedom in expressing that which might not be said in real life. Moreover, the person on the other end is a complete stranger—not only to the would-be suitor but also to his or her friends and family. There is no one to vouch for that person as a suitable potential mate, or to affirm that the relationship is going well, or to give informed counsel should issues arise down the road. This puts Christian singles in a much more difficult place as they attempt to pursue romance in a way that is righteous.

It should also be noted that real-world romance often begins in friendship, as two people get to know each other to some degree before expressing romantic interest. But this is not the case in online dating relationships. From the outset, the mindset is geared toward romance, meaning no opportunity is provided for establishing a simple friendship first. If at any point the romance no longer seems viable, the friendship immediately dies with it. “Breaking up” is relatively painless (unless you are on the receiving end of the bad news), since there are often no real-world implications to ending the relationship. Online daters may also be tempted to continually look for “someone better” or to entertain multiple prospects at one time. But such practices, and the perspective that fuels them, can develop deadly habits if left unchecked. The accountability that comes with real-world relationships guards against these kinds of temptations.

On balance, the Christian single who is renewing his or her mind through the Scriptures, and seeking to live in a way that honors Christ through the power of the Spirit, can certainly navigate the electronic waters of online dating with purity and integrity. The conscience informed by the Scriptures provides believers with a stronger level of accountability than anything external. Remembering the omnipresence of God also goes a long way to countering the thought of sin (Prov. 15:3). At the same time, wisdom suggests that isolation and temptation often go hand in glove (Prov. 18:1). Whether they enter the world of online dating or not, those who seek to live righteously will seek out accountability from other believers.”