Dating vs Courtship.

What is the most biblical way for a man to find a wife? Is dating or courtship the better alternative?

Discuss!

Wow. I have to say I was surprised when I saw that you were the one who started this topic. It'll be interesting to see how it goes…

For clarity, can you explain the difference between dating and courtship, please?

Thank you !

I'm hoping for some of my friends from Heritage to help me explain courtship, but here's my understanding of dating:

Dating is a one-on-one environment in which the couple dating separates themselves from others, both friends and parents, for a time to try to get to know one another. This may or may not be geared towards marriage, and may be the result of one or both of them trying to get some kind of pleasure out of being alone with the other person, whether physical or emotional.

Okay, since no one is posting, I need to post my understanding of courtship and hope you guys start talking! But like I said, if I get anything wrong in my explanation, I will be counting on my fellow HRBCers to help me out.

Courtship is a time when a man feels God calling him to marry a woman, and, after a sufficient time of seeking God's will, and when he feels that God is telling him to go ahead, he goes to the father of the woman he wants to marry and asks for a time of courtship between them. If he allows it, he will inform the woman of the man's intentions, and they will begin courting. It is a time of them getting to know each other better in more public settings, such as going over to her house to help her family with an event, or going out with her and her family or friends.

The Duggars have a good example of courtship if you watch their videos. Courtship is DEFINITELY the best way.

I have a short summary of each (kinda):

In courtship you keep your whole self for the one God calls you to marry.
In dating, you give yourself away to any and all until you find the one.

Your explanation looks right to me, Sam, except for one point. Courtship is not necessarily a time when a man feels God calling him to marry a woman. Courtship is the time when the man and the woman try to discover if they are meant to marry each other. The reason I say that is because courtships do not always end up in marriage. They usually do, but sometimes don't.

You're right Matthew, thanks for correcting me. I have heard of some people who courted but didn't marry, and that was because they felt that God didn't want them to. I should have mentioned that, thank you. Have you read any of Joshua Harris's books, like I Kissed Dating Goodbye, or Boy Meets Girl? I have both of them, and he explains his views on dating and biblical courtship pretty well.

I think that's excellent Zachary!

I just wanted to interject some variables just for conversational sake.

1. What happens if the parents have passed away and there is no relatives to chaperon you?

2.What do you do if the parents don't care for you and forbid you to see her/him, but you think you should be together?

1. How do you really know if this is the one that God wants you to be with?

4.What happens and what do you do, when the one you courted and got married to, thinks that they made a mistake, and vice versa?

I'll do my best to respond to what I think would be the best thing to do in each of these cases:

1. If you are a committed Christian, and you truly seek to save yourself for the one God has for you, and you truly believe that God is calling this person and you together, then I think you'd be okay to go out alone, but not in a dating context, still with the mindset that you're saving yourselves for the wedding night, and that you're trying to determine if you're compatible as husband and wife, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.

2. I would recommend always being in prayer about the situation. If you know that you know that this is the oen God has for you, then He will work something out. You can just pray that He will do it soon, and will show you His will. Or it could be the case that this person really isn't the one for you, so you should be in prayer asking God if he/she is; and if it turns out that they're not, then you have your answer, and you can continue with life until God seems to be bringing someone else to your attention, and hopefully your parents will approve of them. ;)

3. Pray. Read your Bible. Ask for counsel. Spend time together. Try to figure out if you're compatible for marriage. If you don't get along, then it's probably not going to work. Motives also have to be right. If you're only with someone for what you think you'll get out of the wedding night, then you're probably not ready. You need to make sure that the person you're with is the one that you will be with for life. Until death parts you. If you're a guy, make sure the girl is one you're willing to love and provide for and care for and protect. If you're a girl, make sure the guy is one you are willing to submit to and support and give yourself to.

4. There are no mistakes with marriage. If two Christians get married, they were the perfect partners for each other, because they were the ones God planned to marry. You can't say that you made a mistake. But that does help to emphasize the necessity of being SURE that God wants you to be in a relationship with a person before you start courting them and eventually marry them.

Hopefully that was clear and it helps. :)

@chiefofsinners - I completely agree with everything you just said!! Great explanations!!

@Zachary - Wow, those are great "definitions" or summaries of dating and courtship!!

Thanks.

And BTW for the rest of you: I am not in that stage of life yet. I just posted what I thought.

Ironically, I just wrote about romance on my blog. Here's a copy of my post.

I didn’t plan to write about romance when first starting this series, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that few things have a more direct line to one’s heart than love itself. The Bible tells us that love is a beautiful and noble thing (1 Corinthians 13), but romantic love has several unique qualities – most of which are obvious – when contrasted with the “brotherly love” spoken of in Hebrews 13:1. Although both were created by God and are in some way a reflection of His Own goodness, romantic love should always be combined with discernment and maturity whereas Christian love should be had toward all people without prejudice.

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”

             -2 Corinthians 6:14

The first and most important thing to consider about a person you’re attracted to is whether or not they are a believer. Don’t make the mistake of disregarding his or her beliefs now with the intention of changing them later; this rarely happens. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:39 that “the wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” Why this stipulation? Because according to Matthew 11:28-30, the burden of the sinner is heavy while the load of the Christian is light. When a believer and nonbeliever are joined in marriage, thus becoming in the eyes of God “one flesh” (Mark 10:8), it becomes exceptionally difficult to “stand fast…in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” (Gal. 5:1) That’s not to say those already in such a situation should by any means leave their spouse (see 1 Cor. 7:13), but it’s best not to put yourself in this position if at all possible.

Secondly, don’t take for granted that you are supposed to pursue a relationship with somebody just because they meet the above criteria. The facts that the girl next door calls herself a Christian and that you find her attractive doesn’t mean God has predestined her to be your wife. Does she share your values and doctrinal beliefs, or do you disagree on issues which may prove controversial in the long-run? Of course you shouldn’t be so critical that you’re impossible to satisfy – it’s probably okay if you read different translations of the Bible – but keep in mind that deeper issues such as the necessity of baptism and tithing will likely prove contentious unless you see eye-to-eye on them.

Finally, understand that any decision of this magnitude made without prayer and fasting will likely be wrong. Even relationships that never consummate in marriage will generally have a very lasting effect on those involved and so rushing into romance without first seeking God’s will is never advisable. You may be sure you have found the one God has for you, but don’t spoil His perfect plan by taking things impatiently into your own hands; seek His guidance and accept His timeframe, even if it differs from your own (it probably will).

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

              -Proverbs 4:23

My intent in writing this series is to prepare you for the daily war fought for the attention of your mind and the affection of your heart. Not only does your heart influence the decisions you make, but it determines the very emotions you feel and the thoughts you entertain. This is what Solomon meant when he said “out of it are the issues of life.” And yet despite our general awareness of this I see too many Christian young people willing to grant a place in their hearts to anybody who will take it just so they can change their relationship status on Facebook. This is too small a thing to live for. First make sure you’ve given top priority to your relationship with God, otherwise your every pursuit will be a wasted effort to fill an emptiness only He can satisfy.

Great post, Dakota! I pray that people will read that and take it to heart. :)

COURTSHIP!!!
My family is totally for courtship! We believe that you should have witnesses or even better your parents, so that you don't get any ideas. It is always good to get married and have a pure heart.

Most people date just for their own pleasure: they're not thinking about the big picture. They can get emotionally hurt. I mean, nowadays, elementary and middle school students are dating, even though they're nowhere close to even thinking about marriage!

Dr. Bill Gothard defines dating like this: Singling out one person of the opposite gender and cultivating interest through thoughts, looks, notes, talks or events.

He defines courtship as: Two fathers agreeing to work with a qualified young man to win the daughter for marriage.

Why Dating causes Conflicts:
-The motive is wrong - getting vs. giving
-The goal is wrong - pleasure vs. commitment
-The idea is wrong - human nature vs. limitations
-The results are wrong - hurts vs. edification

The Rewards of Courtship:
-Gives new freedom in friendships
-Avoids envy and jealousy
-Allows dedication to please the Lord (Dating violates 1 Cor. 7:31-34)
-Promotes self-control ad moral purity
-Provides for objective evaluation
-Eliminates defrauding and bitterness
-Bases marriage on God's will (Dating conclusions change)
-Honors the father's authority

When two people date, they develop an emotional bond, and in reality, give away a piece of their heart. When they do actually get married, they will have only bits and pieces of their heart left to give to their spouse, because along the way they gave away pieces to countless other men/women, who sometimes don't even know it. Courtship is DEFINITELY better in the long run.

Absolutely! I totally agree with all of that. :)

In my opinion, dating is basically the same thing as courtship.

Sorry to jump in the conversation, I just had to ask AngelC for some clarification.

Generally, "dating" is a man and a woman (even sometimes a boy and a girl), who are having a relationship that in most cases doesn't even have the intent of marriage. 12 year olds these days "date", holding hands in public and fundamental Christians like myself wonder where the parents are. Dating is practice for divorce, as in my mind it's flirting with someone when you're not ready to be married, or in some cases getting to know someone you know you couldn't marry–how ridiculous and a sign of our morally corrupt culture and depraved nature. Courting on the other hand, in my mind would be a man and a woman getting to know each other with the intention of marriage. It wouldn't just be a relationship to fulfill fleshy desires in an unBiblical way. It wouldn't include dark movie theaters, midnight honky-tonk visits or anything else hanky panky, and this I relive is the Biblical model of getting to know a possible spouse, under the protection of the parents. NOW, don't get this confused, I am NOT suggested planned marriages or anything of that nature. The Bible speaks of mean taking wives of whom they choose, not the father. However, a parents guidance is very helpful and can save one from a lot of hurt. I recently talked to a young man who grew up as a strong Christian, but fell into Satan's "dating" trap. He shared with me how he dated girls he knew he couldn't marry because of their beliefs, and now has too much emotional baggage from that. That's not the way it should be. The world's model of dating in the fleshy temporal fulfillment of God given desires dating is centered around ends in real hurt. 72% of eighth and 9th graders in this country are dating. That's not the way it should be folks. We live in a morally bankrupt world system, "as it was in the days of Noah", my dear friends.

These are two very different concepts. I believe that AngelC however is just saying that it doesn't matter so much the term we use, as long as it looks like my second example, would you agree AngelC?

C4C:
I agree that the motives for dating are usually not in the right place, but what if a young boy and girl are courting with the intent of marriage sometime in the future but it ends up not working out, don't you think the effect is similar to that of a dating break up vs. a courting break up?

A courting break-up is when a man and a woman( who are both old enough for marriage), have decided that God does not want them to be married. They decide this after much prayer, self-examination, and getting to know the other person. Not two 3rd-graders "courting", when NEITHER of them is old(or mature) enough to care for each other spiritually, physically, or emotionally. So it would have an effect more similar to a dating break-up.

Sorry for butting in C4C, but I just had to answer the question! I'd still like to hear your answer though! :-)

You said it well, brother! Thanks! :)

Thank you guys! makes a lot of sense.

I'm sorry, I did not realize how I was butting in! And bring up a completely different subject too… :S

PC: sorry, I saw your post, but was waiting for someone who knows more about that topic to reply to it. :) But I'll give you what my opinion is I suppose, just don't expect it to be very dependable. I think engagement and betrothal is probably the same thing because in Matthew chapter 1 it says that Mary and Joseph were betrothed… and it doesn't really seem like there are any parents involved. and now I will let someone else critique or correct, or revise my post. :) have at it Cowboy4Christ :)

I think that "engagement" and "betrothal" are just two different words for the same thing; the former tends to be used more often in the present, however. :)

I believe matchmaking is more biblical and appropriate than either Dating or Courtship.

What do you mean by matchmaking? Do you mean when the parent finds the spouse for the child, or something of a different nature? :)

For example by a round about way, Naomi matched Ruth & Boaz, Abraham had his servant match Issac & Rebekah, Issac & Rebekah matched Jacob & Rachel, Saul matched David & Michal, and so on.

I guess by matchmaking I mean that parents or other interested parties should actively search for spouses for their adult children and friends who are not married. I think it should be a group effort to find the spouse, but obviously it is ultimately the man and woman's decision.

I think all too often the girls ( in particular) are left praying for God to bring the right man for them, without feeling like they have any help from their parents and others. This leads to discouragement and hundreds of godly single young people. I really feel that it's important to help single people who don't have the means (or don't feel right) about helping themselves in the area of marriage.

The way that I understand it "engagement" is when the guy and girl both have a choice and promise to get married, "betrothal" is more the father of the girl and the young man prearranging the relationship and the girl has less (or no) choice in the matter. (I've also heard that in some betrothals it takes the equivalent of a divorce to break up the relationship.) I may be wrong on all of this.

Yep! I agree!

Of course you do!!! we EEE members stick together:)

I was just reading this and had to share some thoughts…
Courtship is a gr8 idea for some people but honestly when I hear that word it just makes me think of the movie '7 brides for 7 brothers' anyway that's irelivent . :) lol
I think dating is the better option as long as,

1. U know the guy or girl in a group setting anough to consider one day being married to them.
2. The relationship is not just to 'have fun' but is geared toward marriage.
3. The people in the relationship are actually old enough to consider getting married.
4. And the people in the relationship must set up boundaries from the very beginning.
5. ( this is just something I've observed) that it's not good to spend to much time and energy on a flimsy relationship while not building others.
6. And last but DEFINETLY NOT least God MUST be the center of any healthy relationship. Both people MUST have a firm foundation built on God before they enter a relationship.

I agree with most of your thoughts, but, I think it's still very important for the parents to be involved!

Yes, but epecially in today's world (sadly) most parent don't want to be involved in there kids lives or they only live with one parent. :( I know that whenever my older brother(s) had a girlfriend(s) we would always invite them over for dinner and such whenever we could. :)

I know what you mean! I have experienced the same with two older brothers myself. But I think it's important to maintain a good relationship with our parents in order to avoid this problem.

I have an honest question for the older girls on here. Boys can give their opinions as well but please remember that I am not asking for a bunch of inappropriate comments.

Do you think it is right for young girls to pray for a particular young man? In other words is it appropriate for a girl to pray something like this, “Lord, if it is Your will please turn the heart of So-and-So’s heart toward me.” (Prov. 21:1, Matt. 7:7)
Is it right to pray for your future husband by name? Is that having “faith” or is that just “brash and inappropriate”?

Edit: Just so you know, I was not asking this question for myself really. It was for discussion and encouraging purposes. :) Thanks!

I think it partly depends on how young the girl is. I think that girls should pray for their future husband. They don't have to have a name but I think they should pray for him. And I think they should pray for themselves as well. Personally, before I were to pray for a specific young man I would talk to my parents. Girls need to be very careful if they pray for a specific young man because it might not be God's will for them to get married in the future and the girls could get very attached to him. So while I don't think it's wrong I think it depends on age and what your parents say.

Carissa's here!!! :-D
I keep wanting to spell your name with a K for some reason. :-P

Hey Sarah! :) LOL! You can spell it with a K if you want… ;-)

I'm probably doing it because my dance teacher's name is Karissa (with the K). :-)

This should be a fun topic…….

let's get to work

*I have an honest question for the older girls on here.* Boys can give their opinions as well but please remember that I am *not* asking for a bunch of inappropriate comments. Do you think it is right for young girls to pray for a particular young man? In other words is it appropriate for a girl to pray something like this, “Lord, if it is Your will please turn the heart of So-and-So’s heart toward me.” (Prov. 21:1, Matt. 7:7) Is it right to pray for your future husband by name? Is that having “faith” or is that just “brash and inappropriate”? Edit: Just so you know, I was not asking this question for myself really. It was for discussion and encouraging purposes. :) Thanks!

You're basically describing what we guys have to go through. Besides making sure we can provide physically, emotionally, and spiritually, we have to find the girl too! If you're of the appropriate age (in the words of BlimeyCow's How Old Should You Be When You Start Dating: "You can't be thirteen." :P), and you find someone who, ahem tickles your fancy, then I'd say it'd be appropriate (and depending on your parents, even encouraged! :P) to pray that they would see you in the same way you see them.

It's a good thing you added your little disclaimer there. Otherwise, I'd have gutted you like a fish. :P

I believe matchmaking is more biblical and appropriate than either Dating or Courtship.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Match me a match!
Find me a find!
Catch me a catch!

I agree with everything you and Sam have said (except that part about gutting me like a fish :P)! Certainly it is very important to have parents involved and being of the "right age". :)
Now I’m going to change the question a bit… what about boy/girl friendships at young ages? What about the girl/boy you have known growing up, or the girl/boy you met when you were 13? Can you have/should you have a closer relationship then just “acquaintances”?
I am the kind of girl who is either hot or cold, black or white, for the most part. I like to have a clear cut course and know that there is a “right” and a “wrong” to every thing. Unfortunately, relationships (as I have found) are not that way…I still don’t have it figured out.

1.) Either you go through life not even thinking about your future partner at all so as not to get up any hopes. You scorn all “fancies” and shut out guys as much as you can!

2.) Or you’re a flirt and you don’t care. You could go around braking hearts left and right. Perhaps you’ll get yourself a heartbreak and live a life of morning ever more…anyway you end up getting married with a lot more baggage then you’d want to admit.

3.) Or you could treat boys all the same. Pray for every boy that comes in your path, and treat them as your own brother(s) (btw, you should be good to your brothers because they might just to be someone else’s “Prince Charming”).

I suppose there are some girls who can walk the line… but not me! Now I would like to hear other people’s thoughts. What do you believe is the Biblical way to treat our brothers/sisters in Christ?

Edit: The secret to number three is to make your heart follow you, and not follow your heart. It’s a life long lesson.

For me, I personally try to treat all girls the same. You've seen this, and it's caused a few apologies to girls who don't….appreciate my teasing them, as much as others. :P I'd say that it can be appropriate to have close relationships with those of the opposite gender. I myself have a few girls who are part of my "circle of best friends", you could say. However, getting close does have the danger of becoming infatuated with someone. Which, most likely, will result in getting your heart broken. But, don't worry, that'll happen a few times over the course of your life anyway. :P

For myself I try and treat all guys the same. Because of my personality and all I'm nervous around guys and don't really talk to them a lot. I have never had guys that I have known ever since I was young so that has never been a problem for me. But for myself I don't think I would want to have that kind of relationship till I was older.

Here are my thoughts on this subject though: I think depending on how "close" the relationship is…it can be okay. IF the girl and guy have each talked to their parents. Though I think it can be dangerous as they could get so close and then later one or the other finds someone else they like and thus they hurt the other person. I think that before any relationship like that is entered there should be a lot of prayer and discussion with parents. And I don't think that the girl and guy should ever be alone by themselves…they should always have at least one older person with them. And most preferably I would say that they should be in group settings. I don't think it is wrong but I think that we should be extremely cautious before entering that kind of relationship.

We completely agree! Thirteen is way out of the question. Twelve it the latest you should start.

I believe the "closeness" you're referring to is if both the girl and the guy have confessed to each other that they like the other person. There, I'd agree with you for the most part. They'd both have to be of the appropriate age, and have their parent's approval to "see" each other. I agree with you that they shouldn't be alone all the time, but they would need to have some alone time, to have some heart-to-heart talks.

-A Guy's Opinion

And We're sure you're willing to do the 'watching' for a handsome sum!